Watching myself almost 20 years later...

The other day, whilst having some Evan Williams and Pepsi, at the request of my partner ("C"), I pulled out an old VHS tape and popped it in.  Among the oddball items there was one bright spot, me almost 20 years ago, videotaped by friends in downtown Portland off Stark Street.  Well, it was bright for the time, I suppose - my glasses and shirt were highly dated to the early 90's, the sound was horrible, but getting to see myself all these years later was, quite honestly, nothing short of thought provoking.

It's night, I'm a young dyke with a short stylish haircut, toothpick hanging out of my mouth, and a bit cocky.  I should also mention the Harry Potter glasses...I was cool before he was.  (LOL)  I'm being interviewed by friends for a "trip video" they're doing of their journey to find k.d. lang, of all things (er, people).  JG is an amazing 50 something woman, and the other friend is from the bulletin boards we all were a part of back then.  They were doing a documentary, actually, and the balance of the tape is a lot of them driving up to Vancouver, B.C. looking for where Ms. lang lived, while listening to the album "Ingenue".  I'm much more entertaining than that was, I'm afraid.

It was fun to watch with C, but it got me thinking, and actually brought me down a bit.  I was once cute, ambitious, had a slight swagger, and really enjoyed myself.  Now?  I'm self admittedly at least 100 pounds heavier, not half as cute, less cocky, and while I still use toothpicks, I'm actually quite polite with that aspect now.  I guess, though, I can point out that while the "cockiness" has left, that was a maturity factor - now I'm confident, and I'll take that over cocky any day of the week, thank you very much.

This process of self discovery is what really started me thinking about everything - wondering where I'm going versus where I've been, and what I might have learned or gleaned from experience along the way.  Experience, in my life, is not lacking in the least.  I'll freely admit that I was once a self described "mental masochist" (and some of those stories I will probably get into), and I've never been afraid to take on all that life has handed me in the emotional and mental context.  Physically, that's another story, and one that is much, much shorter.

Going back to the video tape - the interview was short, for the most part.  I need to burn it off onto DVD and then get some sort of software to help me clean it up (the outside noise is horrid - it wasn't this bad years ago, but I think as VHS players have progressed, and the tapes have digressed, it's affected things that I'm hoping can be patched, if nothing else).  As I was standing there on the street, I was being asked about my "love of all things k.d.", and honestly denying that I was obsessed.  I truly wasn't...enthralled, appreciative, enthusiastic, absolutely - but, never would I become the stalker that many others followed suit with - for me, celebrities are just people with different crap in the public eye - and I don't wish to add to that.  As I'm telling JG that people told me I resembled the adorable crooner, and her telling me "I just don't see it", A.H. showed up across the street. 

Ahhhh...A.H....she was a cutie.  I'll have to write a following entry about her, definitely, as there's more to this thought process than I care to fill this entry with.

Anyhow, A.H. came along, un-staged, totally unexpected, and I hadn't seen her in months.  She exuberantly explained to JG that while I was driving her down Broadway one night she looked over and was suddenly like, "Oh my God, I'm in the car with k.d.!  Just drop me off at that Taco Bell, k.d., thanks for the ride!"  LOL  That was amusing, and just what they needed for their documentary that never quite saw the light of day (and ended up in my possession for many years to come).  C said to me, "she was cute, what happened?"  I explained, briefly, that I broke up with her.  Thus, another entry all about A.H. will be coming.  She was cute, so was I...and I started thinking, "ya, AA, what happened?"

Life Happened

I was discovering myself, and all the layers to myself peeling off slowly, kind of like the onion that I loathe.  I was figuring life out - all that was out there was huge and amazing on many levels, and I still didn't know how to swim in the sea with all the mermaids being present - yes, they kept me off kilter much like a pirate.  Some even said I was a pirate, "always out for booty", but that wasn't me - I had the player persona, I suppose, but in my mind I was only trying to make things work and make others happy while still being true to myself.  Ya, that didn't work.  I'm lucky, honestly, that many of my friends are still my friends after all these years - quite a few of them dated me, and that wasn't always an easy, or heart-safe task.

In short...that video made me think...about what was, what could have been, and the path's that I chose through these years I've lived so far.

I'll be honest, I was a little glum after watching it.  ...This morning, C told me, while laying next to me in bed, "you know what?  I was thinking about you in that video, and you now, and honestly, I like the you now better.  You're cuter, you're more beautiful, and the years have been good to you.  You were young and a bit cocky, and now you're older and more sure."  She's right, you know.  I am more confident - I can admit that without needing the self assurance of others.  Sometimes, though, you just need a little nudge to realize that what you knew all along was what is really true, and that the past is the past and only helps to shape your future.

-AA