...I'm heading anywhere, but here." (k.d. lang - Anywhere But Here)
It seems, to me, that I'm feeling my life...feeling my days breathing in and out. Noticing the short amount of time I could have left in this body, on this planet. Realizing that I might not be alive before finishing this post.
Is it age setting in? "Mid-Life Crisis Mode", possibly? I'm not really sure...but, what I am beginning to understand is my levity, in this context at least.
I spent a few days with a friend I hadn't seen, literally, in 22 years. We were both 19 the last time we spent any time together. She was off to join the National Guard, and I was off to just be me...a time which was very close to my realizing I was not bound to be in the realms of the 90% "straight" club of the earth, but rather a gay woman. The last time I saw her we were both, "young and wild and free", so to speak - at least for a few minutes...we hadn't yet found our lives, saddle bagged onto kids, careers or anything heavier than a conceptual idea of what might be ahead of us. Our lives looked like massive maps that we could follow to the end of the earth and around again - nothing holding us back but our own fear. We were like little kids who hadn't yet learned the hard lessons of life.
Getting back together after 22 years felt...well, freeing. It was somehow so easy, so natural. She's got 2 grown kids, a new husband, a pretty new career and is going on another path. Me? I've got a wife (going on 5 years of being together this December), a new place to live within the past couple of years, a business I've built with my hands from the ground up that now lives with us as well, and a new child (new in our lives last year, the furry is). We both have baggage, we both have stories, we both are vagabonds in our own minds.
Sitting there with her, it dawned on me, and I don't think I ever mentioned this...but, I should write our stories (we should write them together), paralleled. We've both been down amazingly interesting paths and lived quite fantastically entertaining lives, so why not? We're starting a new portion, 22 years later, with enthusiasm - it just makes sense to me.
This brings me to thinking about my life, again. There's no reason I have to remain stagnant.
I watch videos of k.d. lang from when she was younger, singing with such freedom...and see it still in her now, but it's older and wiser. I think to myself, looking back at my own pictures, and I see the happiness that was there - and I wonder, where did it go? Do I look older and wiser now, or am I just angry? Her older videos make me long for my earlier freedom. I didn't realize what I had at the time, and now I'm starting to miss it.
I think this is what is made of a "mid-life crisis" - but, I believe that it's people who don't know what to do with these feelings or realizations that really go off the deep end. Searching for something you once had to make you feel young again - is that the answer? No...the answer is learning how to break the chains you've put upon yourself. You know you lost the key a long time ago - it's time to learn to become your own locksmith and break away from that which holds you down and makes you so tired. "Anywhere but here" is a good concept, but there's no reason you can't stay where you're at. "A life with souvenirs" makes sense to me - it's something I started a long time ago, and then stopped picking up postcards, and finally stopped traveling. It's time for me to start again, both theoretically and literally. I want to live again, and I think I know...well, I hope I know how to keep that passion burning.
((No pills has helped - I never realized before just how dampening mental drugs could be on a person, and I was on such a low dose. Now, I know this isn't advice for everyone, but it is for me. It was like a constant rain on my campfire...I tried to get warm, but couldn't, so resigned myself to a dull ache because it made me a bit happier, somehow, knowing it didn't matter if I tried to keep the fire going - it wasn't going to get any warmer. Now? Now I care! Now my passion is coming out in waves, and it's a bit scary at times as it takes on an angrier form - and I personally think that is all about years of being repressed by something that wasn't me.))
I'm still re-discovering things. When I was a kid, a Jehovah's Witness, I felt the same dampening effect...but I kept fighting and fighting and fighting. I finally broke free and I ran and ran and ran - I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. I let it all out. I experienced things I didn't know could be had, mentally. I did some damage, but it was amazing. I don't regret those decisions. I want to allow myself to feel the same thing now, but with the ability to realize the danger before I step into it (if only to prepare myself better for the outcome). I'm okay with picking myself up, dusting myself off and carrying on...now I just have to get strong enough to actually get out there and put myself in harms way again. Watch out...I think I might just be ready to start jumping trains again (if only in my mind). ...Damn!, I think I just did.