Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Venting, again...

I'm not sure why your presence has me at odds with myself...

There should be no reason for this that I can think of - other than I'm lonely.  I like having friends...and like having people I know WHERE I stand with, and with you, I have no clue.  Your cordial enough, and I appreciate that, but it feels a bit forced.

I pick up on these things, I always have. 

I think I got too close, and you shut the door - that's fine, but I wish you'd make it a bit more obvious instead of cracking the door open every so often to see if I'm still around.



I think I need to take some time off from that which frustrates me.  I know I need some time to myself to ponder, think, reflect.  How do I ask for it, take it?  That is the question.

Maybe I'm doing just that right now?

Maybe I should just walk away from the door.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Pin in the Balloon...

Sometimes all it takes is writing some thoughts out to realize just how absolutely, pathetically ridiculous one sounds...and, I can admit that.

I'm feeling much better after having vented all these thoughts from the previous entry.

I don't believe I fully mean all of it...I'm just a little surprised, I guess, and as I tend to sit in my head way too much sometimes, I let my thoughts build up and get the best of me, instead of releasing some of the gas that builds.

Kind of like a volcano - if it doesn't release steam, it just gets stronger and stronger...yes, that's how I've been feeling.

I doubt the person I'm thinking about here has any clue they've caused me to go this overboard, and if it were me it might give me pause to hear this stuff.

At the same time, I've been thinking about all the relationships from my past that have had veins of this in them.  People who need their space, disappear for a bit, etc. - I don't have any issues with that, as long as I expect it.  Now, I do.  Now, I'll make sure to keep that in mind and not invest more than is wanted on the other side.

Now, I get it.

Thank you.  I still care, I still want to get to know more, but space will be given in gift baskets the size of ocean liners.



I'm very frustrated today, and a bit hurt. I've gotten close to someone who's decided to shut me out just as quickly as they let me in.

I'm pissed off at myself, at the world...and I'm not really sure why.

I don't know this person IN person, we've never met, we've just become e-mail and social media friends...but, maybe that's the issue - I hardly know them and am so easily tossed aside.  Is that what social media is doing to us?  Making us even more sensitive to such things?

In the past, if you didn't hear from someone you hardly knew, it wasn't a big deal...but, now?  It hurts.

Maybe I'm just oversensitive right now...maybe they'll come back around...maybe I won't come back...who knows.

All I can say is that I'm hurting and I'm trying to figure out why this has caused me so much pain.  

I think it's because I've invested a piece of myself into something, and have realized that it's fruitless.  I very much dislike putting effort into something and then getting disappointed.  But, of course, that's a big part of life, isn't it?

I know what part of this is, actually.  I've been very, very lonely lately...and I was starting to actually feel like I was making a connection with someone - I really like this person and was putting some time and energy into it, and I thought the feeling was mutual.  This is purely a friendship basis thing, nothing in the "romanticized" sense...and I was feeling GOOD about having someone new in my life that I liked talking with outside of the "social media" sphere - that I could carry on conversations with here and there, and inquire about their day and things in general (work, family, etc.)...and then I get smacked in the head with a 2x4 when I try to be up front and upstanding about a situation.

Small situation...just letting them know someone asked about them and had an idea of why they might not be around...I let them know.  THAT was a mistake - THAT is something that I would personally LIKE to hear from someone - if someone was asking about me (and how was I to know if this person could contact them in other ways, or typically did? I didn't, but it was evidently assumed that I should have realized this), lesson learned - I will NEVER tell said person again, if they're in my life at all from this point forward, if ANYONE asks ANYTHING about them - I'll happily say, "ask them yourself and if you can't get in touch with them, I can't do anything to assist you."


Yes, I'm bitter...I'm angry.  I feel unjustly accused of something and I'm not really sure what it is that I did to make this happen.  So, what should I do?  Should I walk away?  Should I let it die out?

I was told by this person they needed a few days, and that they'd be back after taking a few days - now? They're ignoring me, blatantly.  Ummmmm...okay.  That tells me 1) you don't trust me 2) you don't want me in your life and 3) I can go and fuck off.

If that's the case, grow some ovaries and fucking tell me!  I can take the heat, but when I'm blindsided I get hurt...don't we all?

If it's just that you don't want to talk to me NOW, that's fine, too - but, I'd appreciate being told in some respect, but that would take actually telling me, wouldn't it?  Yes, it would.  Can't have that, now can we?  Easier to ignore the "issue" than to deal with it..., here I am, pissed off, left holding the bag of what, I don't know, and I'm trying to decide if this is going to continue on like this and I should just work through it and move on, or if I should expect that maybe things will blow over.

I certainly don't want to contact this person directly and ask what's going on, because I have a feeling I'd get my head handed to me...or, worse yet, ignored again.

I'm very sad.  This type of things makes me want to just give up on trying to make any friends in any capacity at all.

...maybe I should just stop so that I don't continually get hurt?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I should accept that this is part of life and just move on.  Maybe that's best.