Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Venting, again...

I'm not sure why your presence has me at odds with myself...

There should be no reason for this that I can think of - other than I'm lonely.  I like having friends...and like having people I know WHERE I stand with, and with you, I have no clue.  Your cordial enough, and I appreciate that, but it feels a bit forced.

I pick up on these things, I always have. 

I think I got too close, and you shut the door - that's fine, but I wish you'd make it a bit more obvious instead of cracking the door open every so often to see if I'm still around.



I think I need to take some time off from that which frustrates me.  I know I need some time to myself to ponder, think, reflect.  How do I ask for it, take it?  That is the question.

Maybe I'm doing just that right now?

Maybe I should just walk away from the door.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Pin in the Balloon...

Sometimes all it takes is writing some thoughts out to realize just how absolutely, pathetically ridiculous one sounds...and, I can admit that.

I'm feeling much better after having vented all these thoughts from the previous entry.

I don't believe I fully mean all of it...I'm just a little surprised, I guess, and as I tend to sit in my head way too much sometimes, I let my thoughts build up and get the best of me, instead of releasing some of the gas that builds.

Kind of like a volcano - if it doesn't release steam, it just gets stronger and stronger...yes, that's how I've been feeling.

I doubt the person I'm thinking about here has any clue they've caused me to go this overboard, and if it were me it might give me pause to hear this stuff.

At the same time, I've been thinking about all the relationships from my past that have had veins of this in them.  People who need their space, disappear for a bit, etc. - I don't have any issues with that, as long as I expect it.  Now, I do.  Now, I'll make sure to keep that in mind and not invest more than is wanted on the other side.

Now, I get it.

Thank you.  I still care, I still want to get to know more, but space will be given in gift baskets the size of ocean liners.



I'm very frustrated today, and a bit hurt. I've gotten close to someone who's decided to shut me out just as quickly as they let me in.

I'm pissed off at myself, at the world...and I'm not really sure why.

I don't know this person IN person, we've never met, we've just become e-mail and social media friends...but, maybe that's the issue - I hardly know them and am so easily tossed aside.  Is that what social media is doing to us?  Making us even more sensitive to such things?

In the past, if you didn't hear from someone you hardly knew, it wasn't a big deal...but, now?  It hurts.

Maybe I'm just oversensitive right now...maybe they'll come back around...maybe I won't come back...who knows.

All I can say is that I'm hurting and I'm trying to figure out why this has caused me so much pain.  

I think it's because I've invested a piece of myself into something, and have realized that it's fruitless.  I very much dislike putting effort into something and then getting disappointed.  But, of course, that's a big part of life, isn't it?

I know what part of this is, actually.  I've been very, very lonely lately...and I was starting to actually feel like I was making a connection with someone - I really like this person and was putting some time and energy into it, and I thought the feeling was mutual.  This is purely a friendship basis thing, nothing in the "romanticized" sense...and I was feeling GOOD about having someone new in my life that I liked talking with outside of the "social media" sphere - that I could carry on conversations with here and there, and inquire about their day and things in general (work, family, etc.)...and then I get smacked in the head with a 2x4 when I try to be up front and upstanding about a situation.

Small situation...just letting them know someone asked about them and had an idea of why they might not be around...I let them know.  THAT was a mistake - THAT is something that I would personally LIKE to hear from someone - if someone was asking about me (and how was I to know if this person could contact them in other ways, or typically did? I didn't, but it was evidently assumed that I should have realized this), lesson learned - I will NEVER tell said person again, if they're in my life at all from this point forward, if ANYONE asks ANYTHING about them - I'll happily say, "ask them yourself and if you can't get in touch with them, I can't do anything to assist you."


Yes, I'm bitter...I'm angry.  I feel unjustly accused of something and I'm not really sure what it is that I did to make this happen.  So, what should I do?  Should I walk away?  Should I let it die out?

I was told by this person they needed a few days, and that they'd be back after taking a few days - now? They're ignoring me, blatantly.  Ummmmm...okay.  That tells me 1) you don't trust me 2) you don't want me in your life and 3) I can go and fuck off.

If that's the case, grow some ovaries and fucking tell me!  I can take the heat, but when I'm blindsided I get hurt...don't we all?

If it's just that you don't want to talk to me NOW, that's fine, too - but, I'd appreciate being told in some respect, but that would take actually telling me, wouldn't it?  Yes, it would.  Can't have that, now can we?  Easier to ignore the "issue" than to deal with it..., here I am, pissed off, left holding the bag of what, I don't know, and I'm trying to decide if this is going to continue on like this and I should just work through it and move on, or if I should expect that maybe things will blow over.

I certainly don't want to contact this person directly and ask what's going on, because I have a feeling I'd get my head handed to me...or, worse yet, ignored again.

I'm very sad.  This type of things makes me want to just give up on trying to make any friends in any capacity at all.

...maybe I should just stop so that I don't continually get hurt?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I should accept that this is part of life and just move on.  Maybe that's best.


Sunday, May 20, 2012


I wonder if anyone remembers the band BlahzayBlahzay, except for me?  Surely, someone must, shouldn't they?

Anyway, that's not what I'm writing about...I'm not even sure what I am writing about today, except that I woke up in a fine mood, went out to pick up some breakfast at the behest of the lovely C and returned in a rather somber mood.  Listened to k.d. lang & the SissBoomBang, which shouldn't put me in a funk, but maybe it made me a bit melancholy...

Speaking of, going to see her and band a week from today, and very excited about that.  Hard Rock Live, should be quite fantastic.

I think I'm starting to feel my "age"...wondering what I'm doing with my life, wondering if I'm doing enough with what I have...if I could be doing more, if I'll be around in 10 years to still be wondering.

I've never been out of the country except to Canada.  I don't have a passport.  I feel like I'm not completing things, and I don't know why, really.  I think that levity is starting to set in...or, maybe it's seeping out.  I'm not really sure.

Yesterday we went to Cedar Key and met a lovely young man (22), who we've exchanged digits with and hope to meet up with while he's in state for the summer (he lives a good state away).  Quite exciting to meet someone so nice and even keel, especially for such a young age.  It was obviously meant that we were to be there and so was he...and that's a nice thing the universe threw at us, and I'm quite happy about that.  It did lift the spirits.

I've met a few people on-line recently, at least one of which I wish were closer so that I could get to know said person a bit better...I feel a strong connection, but one that is...I don't know, familiar, I guess.  Things like that one shouldn't take for granted.

My trip in July has been fully postponed/cancelled.  Friend who I was supposed to go traveling with is ridiculously broke (even though she got some money, she managed to sink it all into other things, stopping herself from being able to take the planned trip)...she's terrible with money, she can't save for anything even if her life depended on it (this I know after watching her for over 5 years).  I guess I should have known this would fall apart, but at least I tried.

I'm now trying to get something together with another good friend of mine for the fall - and if that doesn't pan out then I say fuck it and I'll just go out there by myself (to New Orleans) and enjoy that aspect of my life!  C would come, but we have to have someone here to watch the critters...and I'd actually like to go there for our vacation in September, but I think that would be a bit too crazy for her as she's looking for a "peaceful" trip with me.  Hmmmm...

I need to get a passport.


Thursday, April 26, 2012


It's very, very strange to sit here and wonder..."now what should I do?"...I could go out on the beach, I could watch the Rays game, I could listen to the game while sitting on the balcony, sipping a Bourbon and C.Zero, I could type more, I could read, I could try to write (trying has never been my style, it generally flows when it wants - no shut off valve).  I could go to Georgie's and watch the game and get something to eat, but I'm not really that hungry (and have a Bourbon there)...

It's beautiful out today, and I could go sit in the hot tub, and pool...but, it's so sunny, and I've already burnt very slightly (I recognized the sting when I got into the hot tub yesterday).  Don't' want to burn, and looking at my skin it looks dried out...guess I should keep drinking this water.

I go home tomorrow - back to the house, with my "other half", 2.5 acres in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do, 4 furry children and a frog child, and a business.  Typically, we're rather board up there, and today I'm feeling it here...must be because, honestly, I'm left to my own devices.

It's amazing how we need things to entertain us all the keep us pre-occupied.  I'm quite happy doing nothing, but if I have too much of it then I start to get antsy.  Why is that?  It rather drives me bonkers.

I'd actually like to go bowling, go to a movie, have a conversation with someone that is more than "please, thank you, good morning." - That's all I've said pretty much since I've been here since Tuesday, after check-in.  Oh, but I have talked to C on the phone, and that's been nice.  It's good to hear a familiar voice.

I was supposed to meet up with a friend for lunch today or tomorrow, but as usual that got cancelled (seems whenever we try to meet up, even when we lived here, it was like that...schedules are ridiculous).  I cancelled on another friend as I thought I'd be meeting up with the first...should have planned that differently, I suppose.

Regardless, I need to just enjoy what little time I have left here, as it's slipping away from me quite quickly.

Guess I'll go entertain myself with the freedom that I have right now - I know I need to enjoy it, but sometimes it's difficult to enjoy the luxury you're given until you realize you no longer have it.


Mark, chunk #2

"I can feel the bullets flying from automatic guns behind me...shells falling to the dirt road from aerial combat...the stench of dying men arouse my senses, disgusting my heart.  My soul wears itself thin, crying for the loss, but begging for the future.  I force my fingers on the cold steel, fear in my eyes, a brick in my throat, as I kill the natives...the enemy.  Someone's brother, someone's son, falls to my bullet...and I wait for the one with my name engraved on the shrapnel to be left in my head.  The only intelligence left would be my personal self save another from my fate - yet, a soldier will follow behind me, in my footsteps."

"Either way I take a life.  Mine or his, either way, a man is killed.  Either way a life will end, as two more are born.  And, as I run through mud, carrying a heavy pack upon my back, I wonder if the weight of death is worth the price of life...or if mass suicide is all we'll ever make of it.  I'll probably never know...most of us won't make it through the might.  We're all playing Russian roulette with five chambers full.  One of us will survive, but at what price?  At the price of five hands, or will it be ten?  Five sons, five brothers...the band still plays on...the funeral still occurs."


"Dirt rained down upon us like hail in a hurricane, drenching our already soiled faces with a new layer of blood, guts and mud."

"A few of us having trouble remembering our names.  They don't mean a thing out here until one needs to be identified for shipping or discharge.  One soldier, who's been here since I have, has 5 or 6 sets of tags...lost soldiers dog I.D.'s now carried on without them. 'After all', he says, 'they're dead, so why should they care?'  He has a point.  Still, most of us don't care when we're alive...for in some way, we're still all just lost souls in a foreign land of destruction."


"Today I thought I felt a bullet slam into my was only a sharp pain.  Nothing hit me, except maybe fear.  Possibly the truth coming from behind...I know it's not reality.  You can't be real and fight for your life.  You can't succumb to sanity without first realizing the sane - and we are far from instruction.  We are the foot soldiers of doom.  We are wide awake in the soul of a nightmare."


"As I come upon a city full of lights...I realize it's set up for us, by the army, for our entertainment.  A small carnival in the midst of complete destruction.  We are the puppets being played by larger puppets.  We are the end result of a circus gone awry...they sent in the clowns, here we are.  Let us entertain you.  Let us make you cry."

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


By myself for a few days, giving me time to think.  I've talked to C a bit via text and phone; today something seems off, but I can't quite put a finger on it.  I hope she's enjoying her time off as well, away from me.

She says she misses me, and I wonder if she really does, or is just gut reacting?  I'm not sure if I know where I'm at, so how can I expect her to miss me?

I'm trying to figure relationships out right now, in my head, and what they are/mean to me.  I'm not entirely sure, I guess.  I mean relationships in the sense of living with someone and sharing a life with them.  Is this natural to only have one person you share your time with?  Probably not, based on the fact that most of the population quite enjoys friends and such...but, maybe, on the flip side, it's more than normal - maybe it makes more sense to have less figures in your life, so you can find yourself and figure your own path out?

The whole purpose of life is survival, on a very base level.  Take away all our crap, all our gadgets, give us nothing to do, no other purpose, and what do you have?  Survival.  You have to eat, you need a place to rest, you need drinking water, you probably will need fire.  That's about it.  Do you need people?  Maybe...we're a social group, us humans, but are they required to get along?  Yes, I think we're set up to need people in our need contact, to appreciate someone else, to share the burden with.

Today I was watching a pair of crows build a nest in a palm tree, while sitting in the hot tub.  Fascinating, really.  One of them would find a branch it liked, take it to a nearby telephone pole (or other sitting area) and then go back to the tree...they didn't want anyone to see where they were going, it seemed - protection of their nest that they're still building.  Amazing.  Humans don't do that - we show off what we're making, we don't try to make sure no one can see it, that it's fully safe.  Why is that, I it that need of acceptance from others that makes us so flamboyant in our ways?

Anyway...thinking about C and I...we are very much alike - we could probably both be quite happy living alone, but I don't think either of us really wants to do that.  I thought about this, as well:  Do I love C?  Yes, I know I do, very much.  Am I "in love" with C?  When I thought that question, I felt a swelling up inside me that answered for me...yes, I am, very, very much.

Why am I in love with someone?  What causes that?  I have no clue - I don't have an answer for that, but I'm happy I can at least say that I am, that I know I want to be with her, that I appreciate having her in my life.

Lately, we've been arguing over little garbage, and I'm hoping that while I'm gone she can sort through some of this as well - it's like we've got so much crap piled up around us that we're starting to kick it away but it's being kicked at each other, instead of us just destroying it and moving on.  We don't know how to get rid of it, so I'm working on that while I'm away - working on clearing out some of the negative, trying to calm down, figure out what's going on inside myself.

I know she can't love me unless I love myself - so, I assume I love myself to some degree, or I wouldn't be trying to figure these things out.  In fact, maybe that's been part of the problem.  She told me the other day that you really have to take care of yourself first and foremost - and she's right, of course, as without yourself you have literally nothing.  I've been so worried about how SHE is doing that I haven't been focusing on myself, and in return I've been driving her absolutely bonkers.

I know she can take care of herself, I just have to trust that she will.  I've been too overprotective, probably partially because there has been a breach of trust in the past, and I've pretty much moved on from that - and now, I think somewhere inside me I haven't trusted that she wants to take care of herself - that she wants to survive and thrive.

Taking a step back, I can see it now - I know she does.  I also can see just how much she cares about me.  She's at home while I'm away, working on our business, taking care of our furry children, cleaning the house so that when I come home it will be cleaner for us both.  That is PRIDE she's showing - she's proud of herself, of what she can accomplish, of what she will become if she allows herself to grow.  If I let go of the grip and just let her flourish.

I've often thought we are like a pair of saplings that were planted next to each other - our branches reach out and touch the other, we shed leaves in a pile at our bases that inter-mingle, some of our limbs are even starting to intertwine.  I wonder, if something happens to one or the other of us in the future, if we'll be able to cut out the diseased, dead part and move on without being disabled ourselves.

I watch my father go through this with the loss of my much as she drove him bonkers, he loved her like no other, and I know he'll never love someone else again.  He and I are a lot alike...but, he's not had cause to leave her in the past (well, he did, but chose not to, he stuck by her - and I think sometimes he might regret it, and other times he's happy he stayed right where he was).  He's moving on, but he's getting a little loopy - and I think this is all due to his lack of desire to interact with people.  He's not a hugger...and I doubt he's had any human contact in months - the last time would have been myself or C.  I wonder what that's doing to his his cortex of compassion and life.  I wonder if he's not allowing the disease my mothers branches left in him take over, instead of him cutting them out to keep growing and living.

So...Yes, we as humans do need people - we need others - we want to be plugged in.

I think sometimes it's good to unplug to realize that all the noise we create for ourselves only covers up and displaces our ability to grow, to learn, to flourish.  We are constantly being sprayed with repellent to keep ourselves "healthy", but it truly does stunt us in the long run.  Just like sun screen - you cover yourself with enough of it and you're allowing your skin to soak in chemicals, and blocking out the positive rays of the sun that make you grow - keeping out the water, the life saving stop yourself from becoming something more.

Yet, we all do it - you're reading this right now, aren't you?  Maybe you, too, should unplug for a few.