Short Rites Of Passage scribble

This is something I wrote a bit ago - submitted to a small magazine (thus the very structured wording) - thought I'd post it here so I'd have it in the future...it's short, to the point, but is my take on one aspect of "finding" myself - though, to be honest, I never really was that lost as I was fighting my way through all the b.s. I was being fed on a daily basis.  That is what made me tough, helped shape who I am today.

Growing up in a small town as a Jehovah’s Witness, my mother tried to keep me semi-sheltered from life outside of what I was taught to believe.  My father just went along for the ride.  At the age of 18, after barely graduating high school (due to boredom), I left the very next day, in 1988, in my parents tiny truck with a friends brother in tow, and moved to Los Angeles from Oregon.  I moved to the literal, on a map, this is it Los Angeles.  We started out as four in a 1-bedroom which turned into six, living in the “Spanish area” which had the Korean police department about 3 blocks away.  It was quite a change from what I grew up with, but I was ready for it.  I wanted to go out and experience life.  I assure you, I did.  I got a job at a record store, part time, and barely made enough to eat…but, I didn’t care, I was free.  I lived and worked in a grimy area of the city, but for the first time in my life I felt like I could breathe.

One of my friends and I moved to another apartment in the south part of Downtown Los Angeles a couple of months later – this time it was three in a studio, near the Los Angeles River and the Jewelry District.  I was in Los Angeles for a total of six months.  The amount of things I experienced in this time was enough to write a small book, and I’m grateful to this day for that.  I wouldn’t change the being broke and not getting enough to eat, missing out on a crazy rave (and what would have been my first and only experience with heavy drugs) because my instincts took over, meeting a man I adored only to find out he practiced Voodoo and wanted a wife to compliment him, or the number of people I met that I’m still in touch with to this day.  I found myself in Los Angeles.  I woke up.  I realized that I didn’t have to be what I was molded to be.  I realized I could be who I was born to be, which was far from what I was “trained” to become.

I bought myself a ring in the jewelry district about a month before moving back home to Portland.  I wore it on my ring finger for years – a solid gold wedding band.  I married myself in Los Angeles, and told myself this when I put it on.  I gave into myself and found myself, and I wouldn’t change that experience for the world…and I know I’m blessed because so many others aren’t allowed to experience life once they turn “of age”.

**breathe**

Had a bit too much bourbon last night (actually, not really, it was the Tequila I insisted on adding to the bourbon that did me in, I think)...but, got up late, which was nice.  Did some walking, fed the kitties, did a bunch of tweeting (junkie, yes), and now I'm in front of the computer at almost 11:30 ready to start some work today.

C hasn't given me much of a chance to miss her - she and I talked on the phone last night, and again this morning (I sent her a picture that she needed some clarification on, LOL). It's okay, though, it's actually calm today and it's nice not having anyone here.

SisterFromAnotherMister might come up tomorrow (or tonight) and spend the day - not sure yet.  She's got some opportunities on the horizon for work and doesn't want to miss out on anything by coming up for an extended stay next week, and I personally don't blame her.  She's had two interviews thus far already this week, and her last day of work was technically on Sunday!  She's paid up from the company through the end of June, I believe, so she'd be fine, regardless - a job now would be a bonus (especially considering she's due in August).  Now I just have to wait for her to call - which she can be quite poor at in regards to things that I'm waiting to hear on...I hate that.

I've gotten C addicted to the Hunger Games book (I'm on the second book, now) - that's good - it's an excellent read that sucks you right in...I won't go into the fact that it mirrors what I think our country is headed towards in the future.  That's for another blog/discussion.

Thinking I may post some of my old writing up here - maybe that will help get me back into the groove.

-AA

Worn out...

To say I'm stressed and that I need a break is the understatement of the century, I'm afraid...

C told me to get away last week...I would have, it it hadn't of still been spring break rates here in this state I exist in...sucks...so, this week, we've been bickering about the stupidest crap on the planet, and she just finally snapped - she said, "you didn't get away last week, so I need to get away this week."  Okay...fine...no, I'm not fine about it, but it is what it is.

Part of me is perfectly fine with the fact that she needs a break...but, I need a fucking break, and have needed one for quite awhile - I guess the faster rabbit gets the carrot.  Not me, not this week.  Not today.

My sister is probably coming up next week, which will add an extra layer of stress to my inner self - she's just lost her job of over 15 years and needs to figure out what to do (while being pregnant with a second child, who's due about 4 months before the first one turns 2)...I love her dearly, but I just don't know that I'm ready for the baggage she's going to bring with.  We are the "safe haven" - the boonies - the home away from home...but, how much home can I give someone when I'm not happy in it myself?

That's the key...I need to find some happiness.

Most days I'm fine, but for the past few weeks things have just been mounting - and I'm not really sure what it is or why, but it's here.  I used to thrive on stress, and now that I don't want it...it seems I'm getting more than I can handle.  Maybe I can handle it, but it just doesn't seem like it at this moment.  I hope that's all it is.

I am going to get back to work, as I won't leave everything until C comes back, even though she's told me to do something to that effect - she's worried about me, but she had to take care of herself first, and I understand that.  I should have stepped up last week and just said, "fuck finances", but that's not how I operate.  

She told me today that I'm selfless.  I told her thank you, and that it might be the death of me someday, and I mean that - I'm starting to feel that wear on me, too...it's time, I guess, to start thinking of myself and fuck everything else.

Do I mean that?  Who knows, the year is still young...and the people in office are still screwing with my ability to make an honest living.

-AA

TwitHead

I've turned into a TwitHead, so to speak...I'm on Twitter an awful, awful lot...but, I'm enjoying myself!  Twitter reminds me of the days back when I was on Prodigy in the early 90's - we'd post and sign off (modem) and sign back on just to see what others had said...much easier now, obviously, but it's the same concept in many ways.  I've found a new pile of folks that have similar interests to me, as well, that I've been enjoying interacting with.

I really, really need to start writing more...in an odd head space, but am trying to break free from it.

-AA

Workaholic, me.

So, I'm working today...I've been working every day (at least part of the day) since January 23rd.  That means I'm on day 13...and don't plan on stopping until the 7th - C's birthday.  This really sucks.  


Part of the reason I'm working so much is I feel like I've put us into this situation (of not having our shop bring in enough money).  I have to realize that realistically we both did this to ourselves, and I shouldn't put all the weight on my shoulders to turn it around, but I am, and I know I am.  The other thing I need to realize is that C is taking time off for feeling sick, or taking a call, or whatever, and that's good that she can do that.  I want to be able to do that, but don't feel like I can.  I'm holding myself back/down, whatever, so that I can keep fighting at this.


I also realize that while doing this I could be doing more harm than good, by burning myself out, but somehow I feel like this justifies the means...I don't know how, still trying to figure that one out, I guess.

I'm very sore, very achy from sitting in a chair so much...my hips and knees hurt from exercise on top of all that (and we're not exercising that much, but I have arthritis in my knees and am pretty sure it's starting in my hips...not good).  I just feel kind of overwhelmed in a sense - that I have too much to do and if I stop doing it then it will just take us steps backwards, so I'm trying to keep going.


Maybe that isn't the best route to go - but, it's what I'm doing.

...


I really wanted to go out today, maybe have a nice lunch out, but C started feeling like crap.  I'm getting a bit concerned about her digestive health - seems her intestines are rebelling in her body from her eating healthier - I'm wondering if she doesn't have something going on...let's hope not.  

...


No going out for me.  I was offered the idea of going to Wal-Mart to pick up some more items for our store, and pick up a few personal things in the process, but I have no desire to do that today - if I go out I want it to be as an OFF piece of time.  Monday we'll be doing the Wal-Mart runs anyway.

Gah.  I'm also very hungry, but have it in my head that I shouldn't waste calories on random things.  I'm getting myself all twisted up - and I see myself doing it and know I'm doing it, but for some reason I don't want to stop this.  Maybe...well, maybe I want to let it build so I can outlet it in another form - maybe I will.  This is how I used to write - that was 20-22 years ago - I wrote my butt off, and always found myself in emotional situations so that I could do so.  Fuel for my fire.  Mental masochism.  Now?  I don't know...I have raw energy and have to find something to do with it.  


I'm very frustrated with myself and life today.  I'll figure it out, eventually.

-AA

Here I am, again.

Today, I'm feeling very, very d
                                                  o
                                                     w
                                                         n.

It rather sucks.

So, I need to update.  Since the start of the year, C and I have gone on a "new life, new year, new changes" attitude.  We're tracking our caloric intake, water intake and exercise on a wonderful app called MyFitnessPal (and you can .com that as well and use it on the computer) - it's helped, a LOT.  If any of you folks out there reading this are on it or join and want new friends, just leave me a note with your ID and I'll gladly add you - and have C add you too if you like.  I know, I know, I'm anonymous, but I'm not THAT anonymous, truly.  LOL

I'm really, really missing Oregon today...and have been for a few days.  I'm missing elements of it that I don't have here, in Florida.  I'm missing friends that I've had out there for 20+ years, I'm missing the green of the Pacific Northwest, the wetness of it, the fresh rain.  However, I have to remind myself that I have things in Florida, out here in the boonies, that I never had in Portland.  I have no smog, no car smells for the most part, when it rains I can step outside and smell REAL air...in fact, I can smell that without the rain.  If I lived in the outskirts of a city up there I might get the same thing, but what I'm truly missing, I think, is companionship of people that are just friends.  Folks that I can just talk to about things...share ideas with, etc.  I really should write on here more, shouldn't I?  I know there are folks out there just like this in my neck of the woods, but we've yet to find them.

I guess I haven't looked that hard, to be honest.

I'm not interested in going to uber-Christian churches to find fellowship.  I'm not overly interested in driving an hour each way to the nearest college town to make new friends that I'll rarely see, but on the other hand it would be nice to have that option.  I guess I need to apply myself.  Heck, it's only day 27, I really need to remember that I've made some great strides thus far.

C and I have gone from eating probably 2,000-3,000 calories a day (or drinking, as well) to doing 1,700 or less a day, on average.  My little plan says I can have 1,530, and I pretty much stick with that - maybe a little too closely - sometimes I find myself trying to stay on that even WITH exercise which allows for extra calories to fuel my body.  I'm still learning how to manage things, and I have to take that into account as well.  

Man, I have a lot of crap to take into account, don't I?

We both drank like fish last year, and it was showing in our weight, and how we looked.  Neither of us are thin, at all - far from it, but when we both realized we were starting to look more balloon like we realized we had to stop it once and for all.

My mother's passing last year definitely has had an effect on me...it's been sticking with me for awhile, little shots here and there; just how she would have wanted it.  I didn't grieve as a "normal" person would (well, not how you see on TV or at your friends mothers funeral); my mother didn't have a funeral.  My family doesn't have funerals.  I've been thinking about her passing at the age of 64 and what she did to cause it to herself, and realizing that I'm on the same path if I don't change - and thus, I'm changing.  Period.

My mother didn't drink to speak of, but she DID sit on her butt all day long and have others do things for her where she could.  I don't take after that, in that I'm happy to do things for myself, but she got that way due to pain from being overweight and having bad joints.  I have both those lovely things going for me, so now I'm trying to be active.  At the ripe old age of almost 42, I already have osteo-arthritis in my knee, and I'm feeling it in my hip (which runs in the family on both accounts) - not good.

...now, for anyone out there that is an in-person friend of mine, you know I can hold my liquor a little too well.  I've stopped that altogether, for the most part.  Now, once or twice a week, max, I'll have 2-3/ounces of liquor at one time, max.  That's it.  For 27 days, that's pretty darn good - I used to have that much liquor in one drink and have 3 or 4 of those in a sitting, easily.  I'd do that a few times a week towards the end...this is another reason we both stopped.  C has stopped drinking pretty much all together - as she realizes she was on a path of alcoholism.  I've always fought with that, and have had the willpower to stop where I needed to.  This time, I have, again, stopped fighting with booze and am taking it for what it is.

Last night I had a drink, and it made me sadder than I already was.  Listening to Alex Jones got me insanely depressed, and then watching the Republican debate for Florida made me even more depressed.  Seriously, yesterday I was thinking, "what's the point?  We're all going to get herded into a cattle aspect by the Globalists or Republicans or Democrats or someone else who wants to take us over...why should I bother anymore?"  I know that's not the way to be, but sometimes it just gets to you - sometimes you lose the fight in you.  It's also sad to me to watch all these other people just going along like sheep to a slaughter, not realizing that there's a problem in the world.

Yes folks, there is a HUGE problem in the world, and it's getting worse by the day and it's getting harder to stop the progression of it.  We have been told we're all cogs in the machine, but honestly they don't need THAT MANY cogs to keep it going.  Half of us could be annihilated and it wouldn't really affect anything in a negative way, if you think about it.

See?  Depressed.

...but, I'm feeling a hair better talking about some of this and my feelings, which is good.

C told me to take the day off, go out and do something with myself.  Part of me would love to do that, but the other part of me knows I might just snap and not come back - because I'd be too inside my head, and that wouldn't help anyone and certainly not me.

...so, here I am writing about it.

I need a vacation.  I really, really, really need to take a week off - but, it's near impossible at this juncture, so I keep plugging away.  I wish I could find a group to get active with in this area.  Sure, I could try to start one, but honestly the folks out here...there's a maybe 10% grouping of people I might consider becoming friends with, and that's about it...it's very redneck rural where we live.

I'd like to sell the property right now, gather up the cats (as they're my responsibility, though at this juncture I'd like to just leave them all here - they're all annoying the crap out of me as well), and move somewhere else, with C in tow...too bad that's not possible.  Plus, I have to consider Dad.  He's got property and can't sell his either - and both C and I understand that he's pretty much part of the package if we want to go somewhere - I'm it for his blood family, and we can't leave him behind to be even more alone in his life.  Plus, he's really handy.  ;-)  LOL

My "other wife", T, up in Alaska is also depressed...I don't think she's too happy with the way things are going for her up there.  My friends J&B down south of us are depressed due to many things going on.  My friend L is depressed up in WI (financial and life).  My friend C in OR is depressed due to her situation with a lax husband and having to move, etc.  It seems we're all depressed...now, if we can only start to pull each other out of it, that will be good.

I think I'll go try to find a recipe for bread - maybe I'll try my hand at baking this weekend...I'd really like to learn to make something decently healthy that doesn't taste like the swill that I see on the news each day.

-AA

"I want a life of souvenirs...

...I'm heading anywhere, but here."  (k.d. lang - Anywhere But Here)

It seems, to me, that I'm feeling my life...feeling my days breathing in and out.  Noticing the short amount of time I could have left in this body, on this planet.  Realizing that I might not be alive before finishing this post.

Is it age setting in?  "Mid-Life Crisis Mode", possibly?  I'm not really sure...but, what I am beginning to understand is my levity, in this context at least.

---

I spent a few days with a friend I hadn't seen, literally, in 22 years.  We were both 19 the last time we spent any time together.  She was off to join the National Guard, and I was off to just be me...a time which was very close to my realizing I was not bound to be in the realms of the 90% "straight" club of the earth, but rather a gay woman.  The last time I saw her we were both, "young and wild and free", so to speak - at least for a few minutes...we hadn't yet found our lives, saddle bagged onto kids, careers or anything heavier than a conceptual idea of what might be ahead of us.  Our lives looked like massive maps that we could follow to the end of the earth and around again - nothing holding us back but our own fear.  We were like little kids who hadn't yet learned the hard lessons of life.

Getting back together after 22 years felt...well, freeing.  It was somehow so easy, so natural.  She's got 2 grown kids, a new husband, a pretty new career and is going on another path.  Me?  I've got a wife (going on 5 years of being together this December), a new place to live within the past couple of years, a business I've built with my hands from the ground up that now lives with us as well, and a new child (new in our lives last year, the furry is).  We both have baggage, we both have stories, we both are vagabonds in our own minds.

Sitting there with her, it dawned on me, and I don't think I ever mentioned this...but, I should write our stories (we should write them together), paralleled.  We've both been down amazingly interesting paths and lived quite fantastically entertaining lives, so why not?  We're starting a new portion, 22 years later, with enthusiasm - it just makes sense to me.

This brings me to thinking about my life, again.  There's no reason I have to remain stagnant.

I watch videos of k.d. lang from when she was younger, singing with such freedom...and see it still in her now, but it's older and wiser.  I think to myself, looking back at my own pictures, and I see the happiness that was there - and I wonder, where did it go?  Do I look older and wiser now, or am I just angry?  Her older videos make me long for my earlier freedom.  I didn't realize what I had at the time, and now I'm starting to miss it.  

I think this is what is made of a "mid-life crisis" - but, I believe that it's people who don't know what to do with these feelings or realizations that really go off the deep end.  Searching for something you once had to make you feel young again - is that the answer?  No...the answer is learning how to break the chains you've put upon yourself.  You know you lost the key a long time ago - it's time to learn to become your own locksmith and break away from that which holds you down and makes you so tired.  "Anywhere but here" is a good concept, but there's no reason you can't stay where you're at.  "A life with souvenirs" makes sense to me - it's something I started a long time ago, and then stopped picking up postcards, and finally stopped traveling.  It's time for me to start again, both theoretically and literally.  I want to live again, and I think I know...well, I hope I know how to keep that passion burning.

((No pills has helped - I never realized before just how dampening mental drugs could be on a person, and I was on such a low dose.  Now, I know this isn't advice for everyone, but it is for me.  It was like a constant rain on my campfire...I tried to get warm, but couldn't, so resigned myself to a dull ache because it made me a bit happier, somehow, knowing it didn't matter if I tried to keep the fire going - it wasn't going to get any warmer.  Now?  Now I care!  Now my passion is coming out in waves, and it's a bit scary at times as it takes on an angrier form - and I personally think that is all about years of being repressed by something that wasn't me.)) 

I'm still re-discovering things.  When I was a kid, a Jehovah's Witness, I felt the same dampening effect...but I kept fighting and fighting and fighting.  I finally broke free and I ran and ran and ran - I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote.  I let it all out.  I experienced things I didn't know could be had, mentally.  I did some damage, but it was amazing.  I don't regret those decisions.  I want to allow myself to feel the same thing now, but with the ability to realize the danger before I step into it (if only to prepare myself better for the outcome).  I'm okay with picking myself up, dusting myself off and carrying on...now I just have to get strong enough to actually get out there and put myself in harms way again.  Watch out...I think I might just be ready to start jumping trains again (if only in my mind).  ...Damn!, I think I just did.

-AA