Saturday, February 4, 2012

Workaholic, me.

So, I'm working today...I've been working every day (at least part of the day) since January 23rd.  That means I'm on day 13...and don't plan on stopping until the 7th - C's birthday.  This really sucks.  

Part of the reason I'm working so much is I feel like I've put us into this situation (of not having our shop bring in enough money).  I have to realize that realistically we both did this to ourselves, and I shouldn't put all the weight on my shoulders to turn it around, but I am, and I know I am.  The other thing I need to realize is that C is taking time off for feeling sick, or taking a call, or whatever, and that's good that she can do that.  I want to be able to do that, but don't feel like I can.  I'm holding myself back/down, whatever, so that I can keep fighting at this.

I also realize that while doing this I could be doing more harm than good, by burning myself out, but somehow I feel like this justifies the means...I don't know how, still trying to figure that one out, I guess.

I'm very sore, very achy from sitting in a chair so hips and knees hurt from exercise on top of all that (and we're not exercising that much, but I have arthritis in my knees and am pretty sure it's starting in my hips...not good).  I just feel kind of overwhelmed in a sense - that I have too much to do and if I stop doing it then it will just take us steps backwards, so I'm trying to keep going.

Maybe that isn't the best route to go - but, it's what I'm doing.


I really wanted to go out today, maybe have a nice lunch out, but C started feeling like crap.  I'm getting a bit concerned about her digestive health - seems her intestines are rebelling in her body from her eating healthier - I'm wondering if she doesn't have something going on...let's hope not.  


No going out for me.  I was offered the idea of going to Wal-Mart to pick up some more items for our store, and pick up a few personal things in the process, but I have no desire to do that today - if I go out I want it to be as an OFF piece of time.  Monday we'll be doing the Wal-Mart runs anyway.

Gah.  I'm also very hungry, but have it in my head that I shouldn't waste calories on random things.  I'm getting myself all twisted up - and I see myself doing it and know I'm doing it, but for some reason I don't want to stop this.  Maybe...well, maybe I want to let it build so I can outlet it in another form - maybe I will.  This is how I used to write - that was 20-22 years ago - I wrote my butt off, and always found myself in emotional situations so that I could do so.  Fuel for my fire.  Mental masochism.  Now?  I don't know...I have raw energy and have to find something to do with it.  

I'm very frustrated with myself and life today.  I'll figure it out, eventually.


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