Friday, January 27, 2012

Here I am, again.

Today, I'm feeling very, very d

It rather sucks.

So, I need to update.  Since the start of the year, C and I have gone on a "new life, new year, new changes" attitude.  We're tracking our caloric intake, water intake and exercise on a wonderful app called MyFitnessPal (and you can .com that as well and use it on the computer) - it's helped, a LOT.  If any of you folks out there reading this are on it or join and want new friends, just leave me a note with your ID and I'll gladly add you - and have C add you too if you like.  I know, I know, I'm anonymous, but I'm not THAT anonymous, truly.  LOL

I'm really, really missing Oregon today...and have been for a few days.  I'm missing elements of it that I don't have here, in Florida.  I'm missing friends that I've had out there for 20+ years, I'm missing the green of the Pacific Northwest, the wetness of it, the fresh rain.  However, I have to remind myself that I have things in Florida, out here in the boonies, that I never had in Portland.  I have no smog, no car smells for the most part, when it rains I can step outside and smell REAL fact, I can smell that without the rain.  If I lived in the outskirts of a city up there I might get the same thing, but what I'm truly missing, I think, is companionship of people that are just friends.  Folks that I can just talk to about things...share ideas with, etc.  I really should write on here more, shouldn't I?  I know there are folks out there just like this in my neck of the woods, but we've yet to find them.

I guess I haven't looked that hard, to be honest.

I'm not interested in going to uber-Christian churches to find fellowship.  I'm not overly interested in driving an hour each way to the nearest college town to make new friends that I'll rarely see, but on the other hand it would be nice to have that option.  I guess I need to apply myself.  Heck, it's only day 27, I really need to remember that I've made some great strides thus far.

C and I have gone from eating probably 2,000-3,000 calories a day (or drinking, as well) to doing 1,700 or less a day, on average.  My little plan says I can have 1,530, and I pretty much stick with that - maybe a little too closely - sometimes I find myself trying to stay on that even WITH exercise which allows for extra calories to fuel my body.  I'm still learning how to manage things, and I have to take that into account as well.  

Man, I have a lot of crap to take into account, don't I?

We both drank like fish last year, and it was showing in our weight, and how we looked.  Neither of us are thin, at all - far from it, but when we both realized we were starting to look more balloon like we realized we had to stop it once and for all.

My mother's passing last year definitely has had an effect on's been sticking with me for awhile, little shots here and there; just how she would have wanted it.  I didn't grieve as a "normal" person would (well, not how you see on TV or at your friends mothers funeral); my mother didn't have a funeral.  My family doesn't have funerals.  I've been thinking about her passing at the age of 64 and what she did to cause it to herself, and realizing that I'm on the same path if I don't change - and thus, I'm changing.  Period.

My mother didn't drink to speak of, but she DID sit on her butt all day long and have others do things for her where she could.  I don't take after that, in that I'm happy to do things for myself, but she got that way due to pain from being overweight and having bad joints.  I have both those lovely things going for me, so now I'm trying to be active.  At the ripe old age of almost 42, I already have osteo-arthritis in my knee, and I'm feeling it in my hip (which runs in the family on both accounts) - not good., for anyone out there that is an in-person friend of mine, you know I can hold my liquor a little too well.  I've stopped that altogether, for the most part.  Now, once or twice a week, max, I'll have 2-3/ounces of liquor at one time, max.  That's it.  For 27 days, that's pretty darn good - I used to have that much liquor in one drink and have 3 or 4 of those in a sitting, easily.  I'd do that a few times a week towards the end...this is another reason we both stopped.  C has stopped drinking pretty much all together - as she realizes she was on a path of alcoholism.  I've always fought with that, and have had the willpower to stop where I needed to.  This time, I have, again, stopped fighting with booze and am taking it for what it is.

Last night I had a drink, and it made me sadder than I already was.  Listening to Alex Jones got me insanely depressed, and then watching the Republican debate for Florida made me even more depressed.  Seriously, yesterday I was thinking, "what's the point?  We're all going to get herded into a cattle aspect by the Globalists or Republicans or Democrats or someone else who wants to take us over...why should I bother anymore?"  I know that's not the way to be, but sometimes it just gets to you - sometimes you lose the fight in you.  It's also sad to me to watch all these other people just going along like sheep to a slaughter, not realizing that there's a problem in the world.

Yes folks, there is a HUGE problem in the world, and it's getting worse by the day and it's getting harder to stop the progression of it.  We have been told we're all cogs in the machine, but honestly they don't need THAT MANY cogs to keep it going.  Half of us could be annihilated and it wouldn't really affect anything in a negative way, if you think about it.

See?  Depressed.

...but, I'm feeling a hair better talking about some of this and my feelings, which is good.

C told me to take the day off, go out and do something with myself.  Part of me would love to do that, but the other part of me knows I might just snap and not come back - because I'd be too inside my head, and that wouldn't help anyone and certainly not me., here I am writing about it.

I need a vacation.  I really, really, really need to take a week off - but, it's near impossible at this juncture, so I keep plugging away.  I wish I could find a group to get active with in this area.  Sure, I could try to start one, but honestly the folks out here...there's a maybe 10% grouping of people I might consider becoming friends with, and that's about's very redneck rural where we live.

I'd like to sell the property right now, gather up the cats (as they're my responsibility, though at this juncture I'd like to just leave them all here - they're all annoying the crap out of me as well), and move somewhere else, with C in tow...too bad that's not possible.  Plus, I have to consider Dad.  He's got property and can't sell his either - and both C and I understand that he's pretty much part of the package if we want to go somewhere - I'm it for his blood family, and we can't leave him behind to be even more alone in his life.  Plus, he's really handy.  ;-)  LOL

My "other wife", T, up in Alaska is also depressed...I don't think she's too happy with the way things are going for her up there.  My friends J&B down south of us are depressed due to many things going on.  My friend L is depressed up in WI (financial and life).  My friend C in OR is depressed due to her situation with a lax husband and having to move, etc.  It seems we're all, if we can only start to pull each other out of it, that will be good.

I think I'll go try to find a recipe for bread - maybe I'll try my hand at baking this weekend...I'd really like to learn to make something decently healthy that doesn't taste like the swill that I see on the news each day.


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