Wednesday, April 25, 2012


By myself for a few days, giving me time to think.  I've talked to C a bit via text and phone; today something seems off, but I can't quite put a finger on it.  I hope she's enjoying her time off as well, away from me.

She says she misses me, and I wonder if she really does, or is just gut reacting?  I'm not sure if I know where I'm at, so how can I expect her to miss me?

I'm trying to figure relationships out right now, in my head, and what they are/mean to me.  I'm not entirely sure, I guess.  I mean relationships in the sense of living with someone and sharing a life with them.  Is this natural to only have one person you share your time with?  Probably not, based on the fact that most of the population quite enjoys friends and such...but, maybe, on the flip side, it's more than normal - maybe it makes more sense to have less figures in your life, so you can find yourself and figure your own path out?

The whole purpose of life is survival, on a very base level.  Take away all our crap, all our gadgets, give us nothing to do, no other purpose, and what do you have?  Survival.  You have to eat, you need a place to rest, you need drinking water, you probably will need fire.  That's about it.  Do you need people?  Maybe...we're a social group, us humans, but are they required to get along?  Yes, I think we're set up to need people in our need contact, to appreciate someone else, to share the burden with.

Today I was watching a pair of crows build a nest in a palm tree, while sitting in the hot tub.  Fascinating, really.  One of them would find a branch it liked, take it to a nearby telephone pole (or other sitting area) and then go back to the tree...they didn't want anyone to see where they were going, it seemed - protection of their nest that they're still building.  Amazing.  Humans don't do that - we show off what we're making, we don't try to make sure no one can see it, that it's fully safe.  Why is that, I it that need of acceptance from others that makes us so flamboyant in our ways?

Anyway...thinking about C and I...we are very much alike - we could probably both be quite happy living alone, but I don't think either of us really wants to do that.  I thought about this, as well:  Do I love C?  Yes, I know I do, very much.  Am I "in love" with C?  When I thought that question, I felt a swelling up inside me that answered for me...yes, I am, very, very much.

Why am I in love with someone?  What causes that?  I have no clue - I don't have an answer for that, but I'm happy I can at least say that I am, that I know I want to be with her, that I appreciate having her in my life.

Lately, we've been arguing over little garbage, and I'm hoping that while I'm gone she can sort through some of this as well - it's like we've got so much crap piled up around us that we're starting to kick it away but it's being kicked at each other, instead of us just destroying it and moving on.  We don't know how to get rid of it, so I'm working on that while I'm away - working on clearing out some of the negative, trying to calm down, figure out what's going on inside myself.

I know she can't love me unless I love myself - so, I assume I love myself to some degree, or I wouldn't be trying to figure these things out.  In fact, maybe that's been part of the problem.  She told me the other day that you really have to take care of yourself first and foremost - and she's right, of course, as without yourself you have literally nothing.  I've been so worried about how SHE is doing that I haven't been focusing on myself, and in return I've been driving her absolutely bonkers.

I know she can take care of herself, I just have to trust that she will.  I've been too overprotective, probably partially because there has been a breach of trust in the past, and I've pretty much moved on from that - and now, I think somewhere inside me I haven't trusted that she wants to take care of herself - that she wants to survive and thrive.

Taking a step back, I can see it now - I know she does.  I also can see just how much she cares about me.  She's at home while I'm away, working on our business, taking care of our furry children, cleaning the house so that when I come home it will be cleaner for us both.  That is PRIDE she's showing - she's proud of herself, of what she can accomplish, of what she will become if she allows herself to grow.  If I let go of the grip and just let her flourish.

I've often thought we are like a pair of saplings that were planted next to each other - our branches reach out and touch the other, we shed leaves in a pile at our bases that inter-mingle, some of our limbs are even starting to intertwine.  I wonder, if something happens to one or the other of us in the future, if we'll be able to cut out the diseased, dead part and move on without being disabled ourselves.

I watch my father go through this with the loss of my much as she drove him bonkers, he loved her like no other, and I know he'll never love someone else again.  He and I are a lot alike...but, he's not had cause to leave her in the past (well, he did, but chose not to, he stuck by her - and I think sometimes he might regret it, and other times he's happy he stayed right where he was).  He's moving on, but he's getting a little loopy - and I think this is all due to his lack of desire to interact with people.  He's not a hugger...and I doubt he's had any human contact in months - the last time would have been myself or C.  I wonder what that's doing to his his cortex of compassion and life.  I wonder if he's not allowing the disease my mothers branches left in him take over, instead of him cutting them out to keep growing and living.

So...Yes, we as humans do need people - we need others - we want to be plugged in.

I think sometimes it's good to unplug to realize that all the noise we create for ourselves only covers up and displaces our ability to grow, to learn, to flourish.  We are constantly being sprayed with repellent to keep ourselves "healthy", but it truly does stunt us in the long run.  Just like sun screen - you cover yourself with enough of it and you're allowing your skin to soak in chemicals, and blocking out the positive rays of the sun that make you grow - keeping out the water, the life saving stop yourself from becoming something more.

Yet, we all do it - you're reading this right now, aren't you?  Maybe you, too, should unplug for a few.


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