Monday, September 26, 2011

Free at last!

I went off my "anti-depressent, anti-anxiety, anti-emotions" drug...Zoloft (well, the generic, at least).  Man, I'm finally starting to feel GOOD!

I started taking this crap years ago because my anxiety levels were literally out of control.  The Ex told me, "you need to do something about your anxiety because I can't live with you like this!"...she was right, that was a good choice.  I did something...and I went on an anti-anxiety (with anti-depressive benefits, that I didn't really feel I needed as I never really felt depressed), and it helped, a lot.  I could get to work on time, it calmed me down, and it allowed me to FIGURE OUT HOW to deal with the anxiety in my head.

I started tapering myself off this drug from 100mg/day to 50mg/day to whenever in the hell I could remember to take it (several times a week) and for a little while I felt anxious...and I told C what I was doing, and she has supported me.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I'm really, really, really starting to fell like I'm waking up emotionally.

I initially noticed that I'm starting to do more around the house - I actually care (again) if the dishes are done before we go to bed, I keep things straightened up more, I'm becoming more anal retentive about particulars that I used to be very picky about.  Yes, I'm getting more annoying, but I can handle it, and I know what to look for if it starts to really get to me.

The other thing that helped, I believe, is that I actually took a full day off yesterday - first time in awhile, it feels like.  I didn't watch TV or drink alcohol until after 5PM, I don't think...which is also good (usually on Sundays off we sit in front of the TV all day drinking and watching football/baseball games and recorded TV).  I actually sat and talked to my SisterFromAnotherMister, messed around with the new HP Touchpad we got, talked to C, looked at a catalog (how exciting!), and read a little bit.  Yes, it was GOOD.  We went out for breakfast and did some shopping before all of this.

...I've gotten back in touch with a dear friend, and have found out some things about her that I didn't ever know before, and that has rattled up some new emotions in me - in the past, on the drugs, I probably would have just dismissed it, but now I FEEL IT.  It's like experiencing snow for the first time in 20 years!  It's really amazing!  I feel like shouting from the rooftops!  This is the same feeling I had when my first ex (first LTR) split with me back in '96 - I just felt a huge weight had been lifted off of me.  It's that good.

I feel like I'm having more feelings and emotions towards my wonderful wife (also a good thing) - I feel like she's been robbed a bit of who I really am, and I hope that she can have more of the good and not just the annoying.  FINALLY.

For those of you out there who are reading this and have never known me OFF the anti-anxiety meds, if you see a difference, please let me know.  I know there's probably only a couple of you who might know me and know this, but I'd love to hear your comments.

I'm hoping this doesn't pass anytime soon...I know I'll come down, but for right now I'm going to enjoy it.


The friend that I've known, since I was about 8 mind you, told me that she had feelings for me through our school years.  Wow.  We lost touch for awhile, like...almost 20 years lost touch, and recently refound each other via FB (thank goodness for FB - it's gotten me in touch with several of my old besties)...and, it's like we never lost the time.  Granted, there are kids now on her side, and husbands come and gone, but it's like time stopped for a bit - and that's when you know that the friend in your life is supposed to be there and never really left.

What I find so interesting about all this is that we have discussed, at length, some pieces of what we were both feeling during this time - and had we known I wonder how things might have changed for us both.  I was fighting against the system I was raised in, but she was being drug along out of fear...and our mutual friend was also in the same boat - somewhere in the middle (fighting, but not wanting to leave at the same time).  We were all close...and, I wonder what her life would have been like had she woken up a bit earlier.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wish things would have happened to change where I'm at now - I just wonder HOW our lives could have been have a close friend from childhood understand where I was at the same time I was figuring it out would have been amazing...for us both.

It's interesting, too, to watch people change over the years - and see where they end up.

Ahhh...I will probably write more on this later.


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