So, I'm working today...I've been working every day (at least part of the day) since January 23rd. That means I'm on day 13...and don't plan on stopping until the 7th - C's birthday. This really sucks.
Part of the reason I'm working so much is I feel like I've put us into this situation (of not having our shop bring in enough money). I have to realize that realistically we both did this to ourselves, and I shouldn't put all the weight on my shoulders to turn it around, but I am, and I know I am. The other thing I need to realize is that C is taking time off for feeling sick, or taking a call, or whatever, and that's good that she can do that. I want to be able to do that, but don't feel like I can. I'm holding myself back/down, whatever, so that I can keep fighting at this.
I also realize that while doing this I could be doing more harm than good, by burning myself out, but somehow I feel like this justifies the means...I don't know how, still trying to figure that one out, I guess.
I'm very sore, very achy from sitting in a chair so much...my hips and knees hurt from exercise on top of all that (and we're not exercising that much, but I have arthritis in my knees and am pretty sure it's starting in my hips...not good). I just feel kind of overwhelmed in a sense - that I have too much to do and if I stop doing it then it will just take us steps backwards, so I'm trying to keep going.
Maybe that isn't the best route to go - but, it's what I'm doing.
...
I really wanted to go out today, maybe have a nice lunch out, but C started feeling like crap. I'm getting a bit concerned about her digestive health - seems her intestines are rebelling in her body from her eating healthier - I'm wondering if she doesn't have something going on...let's hope not.
...
No going out for me. I was offered the idea of going to Wal-Mart to pick up some more items for our store, and pick up a few personal things in the process, but I have no desire to do that today - if I go out I want it to be as an OFF piece of time. Monday we'll be doing the Wal-Mart runs anyway.
Gah. I'm also very hungry, but have it in my head that I shouldn't waste calories on random things. I'm getting myself all twisted up - and I see myself doing it and know I'm doing it, but for some reason I don't want to stop this. Maybe...well, maybe I want to let it build so I can outlet it in another form - maybe I will. This is how I used to write - that was 20-22 years ago - I wrote my butt off, and always found myself in emotional situations so that I could do so. Fuel for my fire. Mental masochism. Now? I don't know...I have raw energy and have to find something to do with it.
I'm very frustrated with myself and life today. I'll figure it out, eventually.
-AA
