Free at last!

I went off my "anti-depressent, anti-anxiety, anti-emotions" drug...Zoloft (well, the generic, at least).  Man, I'm finally starting to feel GOOD!

I started taking this crap years ago because my anxiety levels were literally out of control.  The Ex told me, "you need to do something about your anxiety because I can't live with you like this!"...she was right, that was a good choice.  I did something...and I went on an anti-anxiety (with anti-depressive benefits, that I didn't really feel I needed as I never really felt depressed), and it helped, a lot.  I could get to work on time, it calmed me down, and it allowed me to FIGURE OUT HOW to deal with the anxiety in my head.

I started tapering myself off this drug from 100mg/day to 50mg/day to whenever in the hell I could remember to take it (several times a week) and for a little while I felt anxious...and I told C what I was doing, and she has supported me.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I'm really, really, really starting to fell like I'm waking up emotionally.

I initially noticed that I'm starting to do more around the house - I actually care (again) if the dishes are done before we go to bed, I keep things straightened up more, I'm becoming more anal retentive about particulars that I used to be very picky about.  Yes, I'm getting more annoying, but I can handle it, and I know what to look for if it starts to really get to me.

The other thing that helped, I believe, is that I actually took a full day off yesterday - first time in awhile, it feels like.  I didn't watch TV or drink alcohol until after 5PM, I don't think...which is also good (usually on Sundays off we sit in front of the TV all day drinking and watching football/baseball games and recorded TV).  I actually sat and talked to my SisterFromAnotherMister, messed around with the new HP Touchpad we got, talked to C, looked at a catalog (how exciting!), and read a little bit.  Yes, it was GOOD.  We went out for breakfast and did some shopping before all of this.

...I've gotten back in touch with a dear friend, and have found out some things about her that I didn't ever know before, and that has rattled up some new emotions in me - in the past, on the drugs, I probably would have just dismissed it, but now I FEEL IT.  It's like experiencing snow for the first time in 20 years!  It's really amazing!  I feel like shouting from the rooftops!  This is the same feeling I had when my first ex (first LTR) split with me back in '96 - I just felt amazing...like a huge weight had been lifted off of me.  It's that good.

I feel like I'm having more feelings and emotions towards my wonderful wife (also a good thing) - I feel like she's been robbed a bit of who I really am, and I hope that she can have more of the good and not just the annoying.  FINALLY.

For those of you out there who are reading this and have never known me OFF the anti-anxiety meds, if you see a difference, please let me know.  I know there's probably only a couple of you who might know me and know this, but I'd love to hear your comments.

I'm hoping this doesn't pass anytime soon...I know I'll come down, but for right now I'm going to enjoy it.

Further...

The friend that I've known, since I was about 8 mind you, told me that she had feelings for me through our school years.  Wow.  We lost touch for awhile, like...almost 20 years lost touch, and recently refound each other via FB (thank goodness for FB - it's gotten me in touch with several of my old besties)...and, it's like we never lost the time.  Granted, there are kids now on her side, and husbands come and gone, but it's like time stopped for a bit - and that's when you know that the friend in your life is supposed to be there and never really left.

What I find so interesting about all this is that we have discussed, at length, some pieces of what we were both feeling during this time - and had we known I wonder how things might have changed for us both.  I was fighting against the system I was raised in, but she was being drug along out of fear...and our mutual friend was also in the same boat - somewhere in the middle (fighting, but not wanting to leave at the same time).  We were all close...and, I wonder what her life would have been like had she woken up a bit earlier.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I wish things would have happened to change where I'm at now - I just wonder HOW our lives could have been different...to have a close friend from childhood understand where I was at the same time I was figuring it out would have been amazing...for us both.

It's interesting, too, to watch people change over the years - and see where they end up.

Ahhh...I will probably write more on this later.

-AA

Guess I've been slacking...

Actually, I've been mentally swamped.  LOTS going on...little to no time off during the week, brain is fried, and just got a call last night that a close friend most likely, 99.9998%, has late stage 3, or stage 4 Throat Cancer.  This is something she's been trying to get diagnosed for TWO YEARS - gotta love the V.A. Hospital...Government ran, and this is how they take care of their Vets.  Ya...honestly, while I think we DO need some assistance with health care, if this is what health care would look like if the Government ran it all, we'd all be dead...so, I guess I'll keep taking my chances with no money and crappy insurance and be grateful I have something, which is more than nothing.

This is what my brain has looked like...I have no clue what this is - I just randomly made it - out of specific types of parts.  I ran out of one type of part to make it bigger...guess I should buy some more.

-AA
 

What is it about the 27th year?

I often find myself thinking while I'm working...which I do from home, sitting here in front of the computer, pondering.

Winehouse is the latest, Morrison, Joplin, Hendrix, Cobain, blues artist Robert Johnson, Rolling Stones founder Brian Jones...the list goes on and on and on...what is it about the age 27?

There has to be some major shift when you hit 27 that makes things like this happen...there just has to be.  Think about when you were 27, did something major happen, or right around that time-frame?

C moved in with me 2 months before her 27th birthday, moving to FL from WI, and we'd never met in person.  We're still together almost 5 years later.

I got together with my ex, of almost 10 years, when I was 27 and proceeded to buy my first house and settle down.  The house is still in my name, btw, even though I'm not living in it and have no financial obligation to it anymore (love these stupid banks).  Same said ex left me right after her 27th birthday...

It's strange, to me, that so many major events happen around the age of 27.  Does anyone else out there have this same experience?  If so, please share!

-AA

I'm kind of digging this...just give it a minute to pick up.

My poor finger...

April, this is my finger - I wake up one morning with it like this:

Nice, eh?

I go to the doc, he thinks I probably just jammed it up at some point...and I can't disagree with him because I've been known to do things like that.  I broke my hand when I was in high school (age 16 or 17) from running down the haul and I hit it on a door jamb...and, that was that.  It swelled up, and it was broken (and, interestingly enough, it was the bone right below THIS swollen ring finger - so that was over 20+ years ago, and now the finger is swelling?  Strange).

Doc tells me, "if it doesn't get better in a week or so, go in for an x-ray" - so, we do that - nothing is broken.  He then sends me in for an MRI.  Nothing looks bad, it's just "non-specific swelling."  He wants me to see a hand doc.

I have a lovely hand doctor at Eaton Orthopaedics (Dr. Carlan) of whom did my carpal tunnel surgery last year on my right hand - it's healed terrifically, so I decide to go see him and find out what he thinks.  He says, "I have no clue what you did to your finger...we need to operate on it to figure out what's going on, I believe."  So...ya...too far to drive.  I get a referral from him, and he's nice enough to send up all the documents to me via e-mail, etc., and I see a new doctor at SHANDS in Gainesville.  Nice guy, really seems to know what he's talking about, and he says the SAME thing that Dr. Carlan did.  So, surgery it is...over a month later.

I had surgery at the end of May, and here's the immediate result (thankfully this was outpatient):

My whole hand looks puffy, and it really wasn't that bad.  I believe this was taken two weeks later, before they took out the stitches. 

Above, my finger post stitch removal...not too bad, really - the swelling is starting to go down, and it looks a lot better than it did.  Interesting thing is they told me on my follow up appointment, "the joint looks good, nothing came back from pathology, which is really good and what you want, but we have no idea how your finger ended up like it did."  NO idea?  Really?  Me either.  Almost $3,000 to get my finger fixed, and no one has any clue what's wrong with it (I'll be paying that off for awhile...), but at least I can bend it again.  I can ALMOST make a fist where pills don't fall out of my hand...it's not 100%, but before the surgery I could barely bend that finger.

Now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wear my wedding band again, unless we get it re-sized (gold and platinum...not a cheap endeavor, so that will be awhile)...I guess I should just be grateful that my finger is healing, I've got a great surgeon (whom I go see again next week), and that C thinks my scar is sexy.  ;-)  Now I just have to come up with a good back-story for it!

 -AA

Randomness...

I really should do some learning on how to change my background and make things a little more interesting around here...ah, well, maybe eventually.

This morning I saw two rabbits in the back yard and took a couple of pics, which should eventually get loaded up here.
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Our coffee maker, for a third time (and we just replaced this one about a month ago) once again got a German Cockroach infestation.  That's it, I'm over it.  I bought parts today to go into my 6-cup Pyrex (7756b) Percolator.  I have a 7826b, also, that was my grandparents on my dad's side, but need some help with getting that one working again.  It seems the stainless steel stem won't hold the glass insert up correctly - dad things he can make a washer or some-such to hold it in place.  I'm sure he can.  I cannot wait for normal coffee - McDonald's the last two days, and tomorrow we start with instant coffee (ugh)...I could just drink black tea, but I like coffee.  So, until I get the percolator(s) up and running and learn to properly use them on my gas stove, this will have to do.  I'm actually pretty happy about stepping back into a little old-school coffee making.
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Last night, we had some pork chops that our lovely neighbor gave us (we gave her a ton of food when we changed our way of eating, and now she's slowly giving us food back, which is really quite considerate of her.  She's 71, and awesome.  We met her via my mom, and I'm grateful mom introduced us).  I have pictures of our cooking and finished products, as we're very proud:

 Our pork chops (butterflied) with spices, being cooked - and apple/cranberry/ginger chutney.

 Our delicious finished product on Fiesta Ware plates.

Yummmmmmmmmmo!  It's lovely to be able to cook really good meals at home.  I know for some this might not be that amazing, but for us it's something new we've never done before.  I did NOT take a picture of the (canned) green beans as they really weren't that interesting.  LOL

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This is what we found yesterday morning in our driveway as we were going to leave:

The holes in this tree are quite impressive - woodpeckers and boring critters have all butt rotted the thing through.  There's still another full piece and a half piece to this tree yet to fall...guess we'll have to figure out how to get it down safely.  First, we have to chop this stuff up so we can move it.

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Saturday night...we decided to try out a George Thorogood song in literal form...enjoy!

 One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer...

-AA

I wonder...

I find myself wondering if anyone who "knows" me is reading this (as in, anyone I haven't told about this, that might not like some of the things I'm saying).  If there is some person, such as an ex reading this (and it's easily possible they found this via someone I did share it with and/or via another blog, as I do read at least one blog in common with someone I'm an ex with), then so be it.  

I'd like to take this moment in time to remind anyone of whom might be someone that knows me that this is MY memory of things, and I'm keeping "AA" so that I won't offend you outright to the public, thus the anonymous nature of things.  If you don't like what I'm saying, leave a comment, or deal with it.  If you're mad at me, that's your prerogative, just as it's mine to write down my thoughts on the past as it helps me understand the present and future.

That being said, if you're still reading, welcome!

-AA